I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
birth control should be required to get into college
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
