he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
