i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
