but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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