There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Randomize
