Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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