It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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