what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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