Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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