i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I will be naked everywhere
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
