Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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