i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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