I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
