im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
