I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
