i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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