omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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