i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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