last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
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