Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
