I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
