i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize