my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
