im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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