They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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