I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
