Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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