Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
