Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
