You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
