Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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