If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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