I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
