My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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