Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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