FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
