I'm pants shitting drunk right now
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
