1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
