I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
