something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
