Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
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He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
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The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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