he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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