take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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