I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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