Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Randomize
