I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
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