Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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