Your face is a jimmy john
did i walk over a car last night?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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