You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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