I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
