Fine. I'll sleep in my office
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize