im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
